I was with my friend Chablis, the graphic designer who created the new improved Adventure Paul logo, driving around Los Feliz looking for adventure. I took a hard right into the parking lot of the Church of Scientology. That seemed like an adventure.
Everything I know about Scientology comes from that South Park episode and the Wikipedia page on Scientology.
I also know that Will Smith, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, and Tom Cruise are members of the Church of Scientology.
Scientology is a religion started in 1952 by former fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Followers of Scientology believe that people are immortal beings who have forgotten their true nature. Members often go through a process called “auditing” where they aim to consciously re-experience painful or traumatic events in their past in order to free themselves of their limiting effects.
Chablis and I walked into the church and I chatted it up with Stephanie, the sexy front desk attendant who looked like the actress Laura Vandervoort. Stephanie introduced us to Ethan who gave us a brief tour of the Museum and Gift Shop.
I encouraged Ethan to hook me up to one of those E-meters that measures electronic resistance. He complied, and then began to ask me questions like, “Is there anything or anyone in your life that you can think of that causes you stress?”
The idea is that the E-meter needle rises and falls depending on my subconscious stress level. Ultimately you could get a similar effect holding someone’s hand, asking them memory triggering questions, and feeling them squeeze your hand harder on stress invoking questions.
After a few of Ethan’s interrogating questions, my mind began to wonder. The following thoughts went through my head, “This is really stupid. Ethan’s not taking this seriously. I think he’s gay. I wonder if you can be openly gay in Scientology or if the religion’s stance is similar to Christianity’s opinion on that issue? Stephanie was a smoking hot Scientologist. I wonder if I were to impregnate Stephanie–would Scientology mean she’d have to keep it?”
The needle on the E-meter went crazy! Ethan said, “There! What were you just thinking about?”
I respond immediately with, “Justin Hantz!”
Ethan asks, “Who is Justin Hantz? Does he cause you stress?”
I reply, “Yeah absolutely, definitely stressed about Justin Hantz. He’s new to Los Angeles and I just want him to be happy.”
Ethan looks at me and the following thoughts go through his head, “This is really stupid. Paul’s not taking this seriously. I think he’s gay.”
I couldn’t tell innocent Ethan what I was honestly just thinking about. I can only share secrets like that with you, my loyal readers.
I put the E-meter handles down and walked to a different section of the museum. Ethan followed and sat us down in front of a TV screen that plays an Intro to Scientology video.
This was as far as my venture into Scientology went that day. Chablis wasn’t ready to go to the extremes that I take things, understandably, so we left.
Later this year I will return to the Church of Scientology. I’d like to go through the real process of seeing if I am special enough to join their church. I’m not looking to mock, ridicule, or expose the Church of Scientology for any reason. South Park already did that. I just want to learn why there are so many Church of Scientology in the Los Angeles area and what the big appeal to the religion is.
Can I convert to Scientology or is it something you have to be born with? Do others develop it after puberty like mutant abilities? Is the x-gene carried on from the dad’s side?
If any Scientologists are reading this in the Los Angeles area, please Contact me if you are able to facilitate my request to learn more about your religion and church.
Readers, what are your thoughts?
Sincerely,
AP
